Whether it is a marriage, a romance, a friendship or a great working relationship, here are four things that introverts need for the relationship to be successful. Whether you are extroverted or an ambivert, which means you are a mix of the introverted and extroverted styles, the more intentional you are about making these four things happen with your introverted partner, the better the relationship will be. Don’t miss Point #4, as it is the glue that holds everything together!
1. Quality Versus Quantity Time: We all know that for a relationship to grow, you need to invest in time with each other. And for introverts, this means quality time versus quantity of time. What is quality time for an introvert? It differs from person to person. For many introverts, it is quality conversation, meaning discussing interesting topics at a deeper level rather than superficial chatter. Sometimes, it is just your quiet presence, meaning silence is really okay, and don’t feel the need to disturb it with continual conversation. If the introvert believes you are comfortable with the silence, they will feel that much more comfortable. For some introverts, it is having a companion to join them doing something they enjoy. Quality time is energizing for an introvert, while quantity without the quality is simply exhausting. And remember that even with quality time, introverts will continue to seek out solitude. This doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong; it just means that they still value their time alone.
2. No Surprises: Most introverts hate surprises, so give them a heads up whenever you can. Many times this means letting them know more details about something than you feel like is necessary, but those details are important for the introvert to feel comfortable and prepared about what is coming next. Second, never put them on the spot. Let them know you are going to ask them to share their thoughts or answers before calling on them. Even if it means you need to fill that space by talking, all the while allowing the introvert to think about what they will say.
3. A Buffer: If you are an extrovert, ambivert or even an introvert who is less introverted than your partner, step in to be a “buffer” between them and others when needed. There are some very high energy, loud, excessive talkers in my circle of friends, and I am guaranteed to be exhausted if I don’t have my husband to be the buffer between us. Having him present to help engage in the conversation, or to continue the conversation and let me leave when I need to is a relief for me!
4. Feeling Understood: I recently asked an introverted friend if he feels like he is “different”, and he said, “no, but I hate it when others treat me like I am different.” A foundation of any great relationship is feeling understood. Yet it is common for introverts to feel like they don’t fit in when others make comments such as, “you should get out more”, or ask, “is something wrong?” or “why don’t you talk more?” These comments and questions are not relationship-building! They are not going to cause an introvert change; they are only going to make them back away from the relationship. Who wants to be in a relationship where they are not accepted for who they are?
Instead of making the introvert feel different, ask them questions about the above three things to better understand what they prefer. Take the initiative and ask if there are certain people who you need to be the buffer. When you describe an upcoming event, ask them if they need more details about it. Spend some quality time with them by asking them what quality time means to them. This will make the introvert feel cared for and understood.
